BOTW!

VINTAGE BLOG!

Do you want to know how it feels to be me? To have everyone say “you are so lucky your family has money”, “you are so lucky you get to go to hawaii”, “you are so lucky your mom buys you stuff, “you are so lucky your mom let’s you live at home without paying rent”….all these perks make people think I have no reason to complain about anything but if they only knew the truth. If they only knew the front my mom and grandma put up to try to act like we are some perfect family that came out of a magazine. How they tell people that we all eat together as a family at the dinner table each night..which is a lie. How my mom brags about how her and Dad have been together for 30 years as if they are still in love when really they are just roommates that haven’t been romantically involved with each other for years!

 How every holiday they cook these perfect meals and put on the perfect party as if we all get along and love each other all the time and as if  they act like this all the time when in reality… Every day we all fight and we all hate each other. My Grandma was an alcoholic for years and recently she almost died from it so now she is sober just so she doesn’t die, and each day she suffers because her husband (my grandpa) has dementia and doesn’t even know where he is half the time and it kills her to lose the man she loves. My mom and grandma always bitch at each other because they can’t agree on how the house should look now that we all live together. My mom constantly takes out her frustration on everyone and she orders around my dad (who has an L-VAD heart pump and is getting old) around to go to the store and run all the errands she isn’t able to do herself because she drinks champagne every night (so I guess that only makes her a nocturnal alcoholic if that term even exists) and she gets so drunk and just yells at everyone. She makes me and my 14 year old sister and my dad feel like we never do anything right. 

My dad is so tired..I feel like most of the time he just wishes he could die and be rid of this toxic household we all live in. He would move out if he could but since he has the L-VAD and now is on retirement he knows he can’t and he just has to put up with the verbal abuse until he finally dies. 

I am 21, about to be 22 in July, and I don’t have a job and I don’t go to school. I feel like such a loser but how do I believe in myself when my own mom doesn’t believe in me. Every time I try to go to school or get a job she gets drunk and calls me names and tells me I am worthless and that I won’t keep this job or I won’t be able to pass my classes because I will always be a screw up and I will never amount to nothing. She tells me I am going to end up in a trailer park with a baby on my hip and a cigarette in my mouth. This is the visual she has laid out for me since high school. 

This is a text she sent me one time because she woke up and couldn’t find her Ipad charger and thought that I took it (which I didn’t it was plugged in in the other room) 

I hate living here in this house! I hate being told on a regular basis what a terrible selfish person I am, and that I am an asshole and that I don’t care about other people and that I am gaining weight and that I shouldn’t be eating this because I am gaining so much weight and that I look gross and that I party too much and I am starting to look ugly and then whenever I put on a face mask to just moisturize my skin she comes around the corner and gasps and says I look like a psycho murder and she acts scared of me and runs into her room because my face is white with facial mask. Who says that to their own daughter? She obviously says that just to make me feel ugly. 

What did I ever do to be put down constantly every day of my fucking life? What did I do to be cussed out and told that I am a worthless piece of shit and have my own mother tell me on a weekly basis that she “hates my fucking guts” and can’t wait until I can move out and she never has to see me ever again? 

I know I should know better to know that my mom says all this stuff because she has problems and is also an alcoholic, but at the same time when your own mom who you used to love and look up to as a child says these things to you….you can’t help but believe they are true and start to think maybe you are a terrible, selfish, ugly, stupid, dumb ass, retarded, lazy, fat, slutty whore. (all things she has called me)

What did I do wrong to deserve this?? :’( 

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